I locked the 5-year-old me up

How childhood trauma impacts adulthood.

I locked the 5-year-old me up in the darkness.

She is the dark side of me.

Now I am 31. Yet she is still five years old

She was the stronger one when we were both 5 years old.

She covered my eyes when my parents fought so I didn’t see the fight and feel the fear. She took the hit for me when my parents lost their temper so I didn’t feel the pain.

I let her handle all the pain, fear, horror, and sadness. So, I can grow up.

Then, it becomes our thing.

She lives in the darkness where no friends, love, or joy exists but only endless hopelessness.

I live through all the brightness in life. I always seem to be happy and cheerful.

I always laugh. I always smile.

I make jokes with friends when she is crying about sad things that happened to us. I smile in horror when she is scared.

There is no pain in me. And there is no fear in me. I grew into a likable person who cares nothing, especially not her.

She is only 5 years old. She has always been 5 years old.

She has spent 31 years feeling sad, angry, and scared. She never had a chance to grow up. She never developed the skills to communicate with others and comfort herself. She doesn’t know how to communicate with anyone but me.

But I locked her up in the dark dungeons.

She was the stronger one. She will be fine there.

That’s what I told myself.